Thoughts in my head...

One of my favourite things to do in the world in think, some others being talking and sleeping. I always said that I talk faster than I write, think faster than I talk and talk faster than most people can comprehend. It’s one of my little perks that I particularly enjoy boasting of, though I doubt anyone other than me thinks of it as a 'boastable' quality. Unfortunately, I’ve noticed that lack of use of well constructed, thought out sentences and lack of people who understand me (yes, there are a few) has led my language to become quite unimpressive and well, sometimes, just plain wrong. So, trying hard to keep up with my brain, my hands now attempt to document some of the things (mostly egocentric and useless things, though, I’ll try to leave that part out) my head comes up with.

Honestly, this whole blogging thing is quite scary. Every time I feel like pouring my heart out, I remember that this is going to be on the internet. But, then I also remember that very few people actually come to this page anyway, so, well, I’m back to square one. (this would be some of the useless things)

I was just discussing child birth with my dear dear mother, who was kind enough to give me every little painful detail, demotivating my extremely determined mind to have a child. Frankly, as much as I really do want to have a child (2 actually, preferably one girl and one boy and, preferably twins, so it’s all over in one go) I do wonder, especially after the narration of the process from someone who’s experienced it first hand, how women can still refer to it as the most rewarding experience ever. I guess, at some level I do understand it, but perhaps with the narration so fresh in my head, I can’t really see that far. I do want a child though and as for all that other stuff, I’m going to leave it to judgment day to decide whether I want to consciously experience it all or keep my eyes on the prize and just endure. Either way, I’m going to have children, so might as well do it the way nature intended.

I’m seventeen, and I’m sure that one may find it either astonishing or inappropriate or both, that I think of these things. Hey, I can’t help it, I can’t stop myself from thinking about all these things.

Like death for instance, another gloomy delicate topic that can make some people uncomfortable. I remember asking my grandfather once (I think I was 13 or 14 and him around 75 at the time) that if he was to die tomorrow, what would be his dying wish. I thought I’d be reprimanded by my family for stirring up such a topic but instead I managed to gather everyone’s attention as they all now wanted to know the answer. My grandfather replied that all he wanted was that no one should cry upon his death.

I do constantly think of how blessed I am to have parents and grandparents who answer all my questions, whether they’re about general phenomenon, the news, religion and rituals, God or sex. It is rightly said that knowledge is power. When you know things it enables you to comprehend other things much better. It gives you confidence and allows you to develop your own opinion. For example, my idea of God but, I guess I’ll save that for another time.

Lonliness...

Television shows. Oh, how I relish them. The number of shows that I watch and love are so many, they're hard for me to even jot down. Just yesterday I was watching the double episode season three premier of 'boston legal'. At the end of the second episode, Alan Shore, a character who's well, charmingly ruthless and as some put it, ethically challenged, says that he feels a certain attraction towards his mother. It's not sexual, he says, he simply desires love. He craves the care that comes with a mother's embrace. Perhaps thats why I wear so many tailored suits, he adds. I had just begun to think of how difficult it must be for a hard-assed lawyer like him to be so brutally honest and admit such a thing, when he turns to his best friend Denny and asks 'do you ever feel lonely?' Denny doesn't like all the deep conversation. Its a simple question, Alan says and asks again. Denny immediately answers no, and turns the tables. 'You?' Alan is asked and he gazes far across the brightly lit Boston city, eyes unfocused, and manages a "no" as well.
That dishonest no touched a chord in my heart.


No one can understand you better than yourself. You might not know yourself fully but if you truly attempt to analyze yourself, then no one else's knowledge of you, can possibly compete. And because of that, i think, sometimes you can feel lonely even when you're surrounded by people. Sometimes no one can understand what you're going through. I'm blessed and most fortunate to have a crowd of loving and caring people around me, but, still, sometimes, right now, as i'm writing this for instance, as I reminisce, I can't help but feel a little lonely. I feel like i'm lost, like i'm missing something but i don't know what it is. Its hard to describe, even harder to understand.


Even though "boston legal" put such thoughts in my head, I pity those who never feel the emotional stirring that such television provides. The things they force you to think about and the things they make you feel. As sad and painful as it may sound, it's also equally beautiful. it makes me want to just close my eyes and drown myself in all its beauty, lie in it forever........
But alas, i come out into the real world with, in retrospect, gratitude for all my short-lived experiences. Who knows? Perhaps even the loneliness is only a phase that i shall later be thankful for....

Talking and doing...

What is happening to the people?
Notice how I speak from a third person's point of view, not considering myself as a part of the collective 'people', implying that these 'people' are not 'people in general' but a 'certain type of people' that quite simply get on my nerves!


Let me give you an example, recently Kumar Ketkar, the editor of a marathi newspaper, 'Loksatta', criticized the Maharashtra government for planning to build a 100 crore or so rupees worth statue of Shivaji Maharaj. In the editorial, he mentioned how that money can be put to much better use and how "political leaders use the name of Shivaji Maharaj to further their greed, symbolism and political prowess"


Now, not only was he exercising his right to opinion and the expression of said opinion, but also doing it within the limits of the law. So, what do the 'people' do? Well, they bombard his home with stones and rocks and attempt to set it on fire. And are they caught? Of course not!


I guess I'll just have to count my blessings and be thankful that atleast the rest of the media has the courage to bring these events to our ears. I say courage because, the media is constantly under attack for simply bringing the hypocricy and intolerency of various parties to light. I'm just glad that most of it is still undetered.


While I'm on the topic, let me address something that was all over the news a few months ago.
Amitabh Bacchhan talks of building a girl's school in the U.P. and is criticized for not being loyal to his "karma bhumi" (where he earns his living) but only doing good for the state to which he belongs.


Firstly, why must we be Maharashtrians or UPites, or Keralites, etc? Can we not call ourselves Indians and be grateful to any and every individual who does any good for the country, regardless in what state, city or square foot?


Secondly, these critical individuals are probably the same ones who complain of our indian minds studying here, working abroad and consequently benefitting other countries.
Doesn't the same rule apply here??
Shouldn't we be encouraging their loyalty to their "karma bhumi" and preventing them from doing any good for India, just as they tried to prevent Amitabh Bacchhan from doing any good for UP?
An example of the hypocricy I mentioned earlier.


I was watching 'Blood Diamond' yesterday. It is one of my favourite movies and not one to be taken lightly.
Well there's a scene where Leonardo Dicaprio's and Jennifer connelly's characters are having a conversation. He's a smuggler and she's a writer.


Maddy: Is it possible that you don't care how many people die because of the deals you do?
Danny: Look, people here kill each other as a way of life, its always been like that.
Maddy: So you can just watch it and go about your day?
Danny: (sarcastically) Maybe we should all just write about it then?


And that hit me, thats exactly what I'm doing, isn't it?
But then again, what they say is a contradictory subjective discussion on a topic that, when looked at objectively, actually forms middle ground.
Yes 'Action speaks louder than words' and writing about your problems doesn't solve it. But, you can't deny that it helps and they do say that 'A pen is mightier than a sword'


So, from now on I'm going to atleast write about my problems, just untill i have the strength, power and courage to take action to solve them.